Humor for Today Goofy Stuff / Back Home
Thanks to Mary Lou for sending this one!
I was in the express lane at the
store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out
line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my
delight when
the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into
the cart and
asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ------------ ---------
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute
wait for a
table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband
said. 'We may
not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately. ------------ ---------
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is
that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've
passed. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted
her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the
bride kissed
her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in
the front
pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest
smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him
back his
credit card. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should relax and
get used to the idea. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When
you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are
mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?' Artie said: ' I would like them to say I
was a wonderful
husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's
lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!' -----------
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to
talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord...'God, what does a million
years mean to
you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million
dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 'The Lord
replies, 'In a minute.' ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is
unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In
fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do
you think I
should do?' 'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm
down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?' ------------ --------- ---------
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one
last
request, dear,'he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six
months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry
Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John
said, 'I do!' ------------ --------- ---------
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and
I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning
me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me,
what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her,
I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the
man and says, 'I spoke to
her on the
phone for three hours. You want my advice? '
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison!'