Mental Hospital Phone Menu
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Thanks to Moose for sending this one!
Hello and thank you for calling The
State Mental Hospital
Please select from
the following options menu:
If you are
obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.
If you are
codependent,
please ask someone
to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple
personalities,
press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid,
we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so
we can trace your call.
If you are
delusional,
press 7 and your
call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are
schizophrenic,
listen carefully and
a little voice will tell you which number to
press.
If you are
manic-depressive,
it doesn't matter
which number you press, nothing will make you happy
anyway.
If you are dyslexic,
press
9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar,
please leave a
message
after the beep
or before the beep
or after the beep.
Please wait for the
beep.
If you have
short-term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have
short-term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have
short-term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have low
self-esteem,
please hang up.
Our operators are
too busy
to talk with you.
If you are
menopausal,
put the gun down,
hang up,
turn on the fan,
lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy
forever.
If you are blonde,
don't press any
buttons,
you'll just mess it
up.
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