quotes

Thanks to Mary Lou for sending this one!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

    -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

    -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

    -- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

    -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

    - - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

    -- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

-- Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

    -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

    -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

    -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you

    -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

    -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

    -- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

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