World History- Condensed
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Thanks to Sister Bea for sending this
one!
A Condensed Version of History
For those who slept
through World History 101...... here is a condensed
version.
Humans originally existed
as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They
lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and
would go to the coast and
live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important
events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer,
and
2. The invention of the
wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer, and the beer to the
man.
These facts formed the
foundation of modern civilization and together
were
the catalyst for the
splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered,
it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the
glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so
while our early humans
were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented,
they just stayed close to
the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days
tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking
beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker
and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing,
fetching, and hair
dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement.
Some of these liberal men
eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats,
the
invention of group therapy
and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood
actor, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide all
the
meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years,
Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on
earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the
jackass.
Modern liberals like
imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white
wine or imported bottled
water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well
done. Sushi, tofu, and
French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting evolutionary
side note: most of liberal women have higher
testosterone levels than
their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists,
dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals
invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher
also bat.
Conservatives drink
domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for
their women. Conservatives
are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks,
construction workers,
firemen, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate
executives, athletes,
Marines, and generally anyone who works
productively.
Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.
Liberals produce little or
nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more
enlightened than
Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives
were coming to America . They crept in after
the
Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson
in world history.......
It should be noted that a
liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above
before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply
laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth
of this history that it
will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers, and to more
liberals...just to piss them off.
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